The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

The Green Book Part two

Part Two

April 19th. 2015

10:55 PM

My name is Melike. I’m 23 years old. Green is my favorite color and purple comes second. I studied English literature because of my love for the English language and novels. I guess that’s enough for now.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but, it might be the only way I can visualize my life through some lines. Maybe, someday my story will make a difference in someone’s life and maybe not. I love writing at midnight. something calls me to write the echoed voices inside my head, words, feelings, anger, happiness, mixed feelings; the more they increase the more they keep me awake.

I don’t write daily but, I write when I feel like I want to capture a word or a sentence i don’t want to miss or forget it. I want to type it and look at it and keep re-reading it and falling for the words, trying to write with all my senses using all the skills i have. I believe that words are like diamonds, the more you take care of them and shape them the way you want, the more they will be beautiful and valuable. But each diamond has a sharp angle that you need to be careful and precise when you touch. You might get yourself hurt if you aren’t cautious.

Words are the same they can either touch your heart or break your heart. If words came put, there is no way to take them back. What comes out never comes back.

Well at least I believe in that………

Its spring time is my favorite season. After winter, the weather is still unstable; hence you can call it a beautiful weather. As I mentioned previously, I’m in my twenties a young lady, my parents still sees me as a baby girl with a diaper. Those twenty three years aren’t counted as twenty three. They tally up differently for me. I have lived a life that is similar to that of fifty years old lady, a life full of many memories good and painful ones, many experiences, and salvation.

A twenty three year old lady from the outside, a fifty year old lady from the inside, they say your age doesn’t matter. You can be seventy and feel like you are still in your thirties and that’s what keeps you alive; to feel young forever. What if you feel old? Very old.

At the age of sixteen I fell in love for the first time and it wasn’t a quite good relationship. We were so young but, it was good to feel loved by someone. That feeling you get for the first time as a teenager, you don’t know what it is. There is no accurate decription of what you feel but you feel happy and you are constantly smiling. I love to spend time with that person; experiencing new feelings that make you feel flying for the first time. However, that relationship didn’t count, as I said we were so young we just wanted to experience new things.

When someone enters your life, not willing to stay for long and leaves, his absence doesn’t hurt you. What hurts you most is the time he stole from you. The time he stole from your life.

She stopped reading her heart was pumping so fast, her breathe is getting weak. She bookmarked the page and left the book a side shivered about how Melike and she are just the same. She can feel every word written down there in that mysterious book as if it’s her own storytelling not Melike’s. She went to sleep; that night thoughts never left her she felt for the first time that she is naked. As if she had opened up to someone, words found its way out like a running water no power can stop it from coming out. She was afraid to continue reading Melike’s green book or diary or whatever it’s called. She was afraid from exploring her own self.

To be continued………….

The Green Book

Part one

April 10^th. 2015
10:42 AM

Birds tweeting outside her bedroom its 6:00 o’clock in the morning, the alarm rang. She raised her hand to turn it off, and spontaneously reached for her phone to check if she had gotten any messages from him.

Disappointed as usual, she got nothing. She turned off her cell and went to take her morning shower before going to work. She took off her pajamas and got into the shower. After finishing fifteen minutes later, she put on some random clothes, wore her comfortable sneakers and tied her hair in a pony tail. Her day at work continues as normal, a routine, nothing new. She is counting down the hours, minutes until she can finally go back home. The clock strikes 16:00 pm and she leaves the office, stopping at her favorite bookstore before going home to check if there are any new interesting books.

At the bookstore;

“Good evening Madame, it’s your lucky day! Newly arrived books came in today. They are in the back. We didn’t put them on the shelves yet.” said the seller.

“Oh that’s really nice! I was hoping that I could find some new books. Would it be okay if I checked them out?” she replied.

For sure, come this way please. The seller led her to the storage room in the back of the bookstore.

“Here they are! If you need any help, just call me over. I will be at the register.”

“Thank you.” She replied.

She flipped through the first pages of each book, skimming the lines of each chapter but nothing seemed interesting. She puts the books back and turns towards the exit door. At that moment something caught her eye; a green book. It was under the table and seemed to have been dropped by mistake and had gone unnoticed. She bends over to pick it up. It looks like agenda rather than a normal book. The title of the book was written in a strange kind of ink; “The Green Book”.

She wondered what kind of book it was, as she took it in her hands and headed to the seller.

“Excuse me.” She said.

“Yes Madame, Did you find anything interesting in there?” the seller asked.

“Actually yes! I’m wondering who the author of this book is?”

“Can I see it please?” the seller paused for a moment, actually I don’t know. Nothing is written on the cover except for the title! Let me check on the computer.

After searching for a while the seller told her, he couldn’t even find the book in the new arrivals page and it had never been registered into the system.

“Someone probably left it behind, by mistake.” She said.

“Probably yes, But you can borrow it if you want.”

“Okay, I would like that! If someone calls and asks about it, just give them my number.” She said.

“Sure.”

“Thank you so much.” She said as she was leaving.

She arrived home and ate her dinner while watching TV for a while. It was 19:30 pm and he still didn’t call or text her.

Suddenly, her phone started to ring; she eagerly picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

There was no reply.

“Hello? Is anybody there?” she asked again and again.

Nothing. The caller had hung up. She wondered if the caller was him.

She left the phone headed to the kitchen to get something to drink. While heading to the kitchen, her eyes fell on that green book she borrowed at the bookstore earlier that day. She carried the juice; she got from the fridge in one hand and in the other she carried the green book.

Putting the juice on the table beside her, she prepared herself to read. She looks at the book and says; you better be interesting! And she begins to read…

They say one day someone will come and change your whole life. What if it wasn’t someone? What if it was a green book?!

To Be continued……..

Messy Thoughts

Marionettes

When you have feelings for someone and he share the same for you it doesn’t mean that you should be in a relationship together. Hence you have strong feelings same as he does but not all relationships based on the stereotyping so called thing “in a relationship”. For some just having feelings without being committed to someone makes them feel free they think that they don’t have to be committed to something.

Things can be much easier when you don’t make promises to someone. Well, it’s ironically true there is nothing to claim that because you have feelings for this someone he has to be in a relationship with you. But we as a different society with different traditions and morals we don’t believe in this; we push each other to the stereotyping so called thing being “in a relationship”.  Having feelings for someone follows the step after which is a must to be in a relationship get engaged then marriage after.

This has to stop we have to believe in that some relationships are not meant to happen or to be completed on the follow list of relationship- engagement- marriage; some relationships has to end at some point to stay as it should be from the beginning. You have feelings I have feelings this is good but nothing else will happen. What should happen is to prevent ourselves from having even those feelings for some or actually precisely some kind of people they don’t deserve the time you waste from your life on them hoping for more or hoping to reach your peak point in the kind of relationship you want. We have to face the ugly truth of which there is that kind of people who doesn’t know what they really want yet they want everything together and that just can’t happen and will never ever happen.

You are not a marionette puppet in someone’s hands you are not designed to be manipulated by whoever is in charge. You are the owner of your life you shape your life as you want you are the manipulative and they are the marionettes.

What’s life?

 

What’s life?

How life is so weird? How it can turn upside down in a minute?  Someone can die while the other is born. How can someone’s death can be a turning point in the life of the other. His life can change to the better or someone comes and fills the gap or the disappearance of the dead ones.

Life is ambiguous no one can understands it no matter how hard a one can try.

What’s life? I don’t know what life is there is no quite definition of life, people interpret the meaning of life according to how they live whether a happy life or a sad one. But to come to a conclusion there is no exact definition of life it depends on the lives of people!

Wriiten on 16^th of oct, 2014

19:08 pm

The girl with no identity

Electricity is off silence all over the place. Outside the window she can hear the voice of the passing cars in the streets and the neighbor’s dog barks at the midnight of a Tuesday night where no one else is there except her. She is drowning in her unspoken thoughts picking up a bunch of papers from the table besides her searching for a pen to start writing what she can’t tell. Minutes and hours pass and the ink of her pen drops on the papers and drew a pond.

In that moment, she has already escaped reality and drown deeper in her thoughts. That night she didn’t write anything she didn’t know from where to start. Revealing the suppressed conflicts or the sorrows inside her was a scary idea she can’t express her feelings when she tries to it ends the other way around by being misunderstood or being an enigma. She can’t understand herself sometimes whether she meant to do that or she is trying to hide her feelings. That inner conflict might stem from lack of self confidence. For her she would never be a part of anything she doesn’t belong to anywhere all her life she has been trying to belong to somewhere and it ends up by failing. She knew it from the first day she came to this world she doesn’t belong to anyone or anywhere and she didn’t really care. She is a stranger in this world for some she is a girl with no identity. Somehow that made her feel safer being a mystery to others where no one can enter her world. The only way she can reveal her thoughts is to write and keep writing about the things that frightens her from the world she is living in the one that she doesn’t belong to. She will always remain the girl with no identity who lives in a world that she doesn’t belong to.

And that thought is her safe haven in this world!

Edited on Friday 20^th of march
20:30 pm