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Is Help available for me?

help

A quote by Lou Holtz; it’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.

Lately, there is too much stress to handle, I feel loaded I can’t carry on any load anymore; it’s starting to break and it will fall soon. I’m losing my temper, I don’t have control anymore being nervous all the time is breaking me into pieces; it’s not the stress that is killing it’s my reaction to it. I don’t know how to handle things anymore; I have no patience left even taking a deep breath is hard. I need to plow my anger and my energy into something positive and how is that? Actually I have no idea!

Maybe the last few years of my life was not too fancy; but even throughout all the past years anyone gets to know me, they know very well how cheerful  I am and how positive person I am.  Quite sure I’m a great company; but this is changing and I can’t help it I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I no longer have patience I’m always worried about what’s going to happen and what’s not going to happen; I was a risk person now I’m afraid of taking any step forward; scared of what could happen, always interpreting things into negative ways! Starting to transfer all the negative energy to others and guess what! That’s way too far from me as a person!

I need help yes I’m calling for help; I’m helpless. And I’m sorry for that.

I want to get back to the old me; to that cheerful person who is full of positive energy who is willing to live his life with no limitation. I need to stop being afraid and worried all the time I need to let go things I need to start living.

Am I might be facing a depression? Please tell me no!

Why the hell I’m crying all the time, why I cry for no reason? Recently, my reaction towards anything is just crying and feels a horrible pain inside; I feel stressed towards everything I can’t eliminate my stress at all. I have zero energy for any interesting favorite activities, no patience; sometimes I gain weight sometimes I lose weight nothing is stable. I have insomnia as well and no appetite plus inability to concentrate. Is help available for me?

I know nowadays I have the things I wished for, but why I’m not happy? I’m happy that I have it and I’m thankful for it by why it’s not enough? Why the hell I’m asking these questions! Even though while I’m writing this as a kind or relief I’m crying! You will ask why you are crying.  And I will reply by; I REALLY DON’T KNOW!

Is there any hope for me? Is help available for me? Am I facing depression?

ANSWER ME!

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A Life After Losing A Mother

 

A life after losing a mother, is the hardest thing a one can experience you won’t be able to call her again whenever you need her, you have to accept that you can’t text or call her again. Maybe after a while you will stop crying when you talk about her which I doubt, as the sadness will still creep in.

People won’t understand your mood-swing and why the hell are you angry or aggressive in dealing with others, unfortunately its something out of your hands. There are some days where you want to shut off from the outside world just for days, to be able to breath normally again and react with people. The amount of pressure you have inside your heart will change you 360 degree, you will never be the person you were before.

Her first birthday in heaven will be hard, each ceremony or event without her is even harder, sometimes you will feel that its still fresh, that you just lost her a short time ago yet; it might have been months since you lost her. The sadness in the heart will never disappear, you will have a mixed feelings in each event that she is not there with you.

You feel like you are still angry, you are angry from everything and everyone, deep inside there are million of screams that you try hard to hide and keep it silent. You will try to pick up your pieces and rejoin life, and start going out with friends and laugh with them. But you still feel her absence you try hard to stick to the things you used to love, but you have lost interest in everything and drown into deep sadness where you can’t find a way out.

Those different moments when you search for her guidance and for her words that used to give you hope; that she is “Proud of You”, “Go on babe you are strong” “I love you my sweet daughter” those difficult moments when they across your mind you scream searching for her and hoping she can hear you. Those moments are the hardest ones.

The Loss of a dearest person changes your life on the long term, you will try to reconnect with life after losing that person but it’s a long journey to go back to the old you, and the percentage of that is almost Zero!

You will grieve in your own way and in your own time.

A life after losing a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

The year of coming apart By Michael Petrilli

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

Happy Moments

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A question crossed my mind after having a quality time, especially a happy moment. The happy moment you have through spending your time with the people you love is priceless, but it only happens in a very short time; maybe just a few seconds. Those seconds are the best time you had during the whole day. Can you imagine? Just few seconds in the 24 hours, those seconds can make you happy the whole day, maybe your whole life. My question is what happens to those moments you were happy in, I mean people change all the time and maybe you are done talking to someone since a while, maybe you just stopped talking to each other without reason. How come? You had previously a happy moment with them; how it can end up this way, you were happy one day with that person, you had the best time with that person, you were laughing till you stomach hurts. My point is you have a collection of happy moments during your life; but at certain moment it vanishes. When you sit alone you think about that moment, that person you were happy with, and rethink about the whole situation; you may smile just because it was a happy moment that you were happy at back then. You will never realize that you are making memories, all you care about back then that you were just having fun and a good time.

You may have a good life with a good collection of happy moments, and you may have a bad life with happy moments that can make you alive through your bad life. In conclusion; stick to those happy moments keep holding them and never let them go. Your happy moments are now your fictional comrade, because your true one has already gone.

 

The Intruder Of her Life

 

Intruder with Knife

 

Back then to a famous series, she used to watch there was a sentence said by an actress; who have fallen in-love with an intruder; she said back then; “when I first, started working here as a doctor, first thing they have taught us is: “Don’t fall in-love with an intruder”.  Ps: that actress’s role was a prison physician.  She never felt, she would relate somehow what had happened with her, to a small sample she saw earlier in one of her favorite series-es.

Throughout the days, she realized that she might have something in common with that actress in the show, she has fallen in-love with an intruder; but this intruder wasn’t fictional as the one in the series, it was a REAL one. Let’s name it the intruder of her life, the one she never thought he would come up like this, at first she didn’t realize how malicious and deceitful he is. But actually each day, he proves that he is not only malicious or deceitful he is also a thief,  a one who stole almost everything. He stole her time, her life, her friends and everything; yet she is standing on her own feet, visualizing all he had done to her but with a stronger soul not a weak one. She thought at the beginning she might get weak, but people around her told her you will move on faster than you can ever imagine, at first she didn’t believe it but actually she did throughout the time.

Actually that intruder was the reason of her  being strong, he helped her to be stronger not weak, he thought she will be weak but actually by all the things he have done and even still doing, he is helped her to be more stronger without knowing.  They say; “as you sow, so shall you reap”, if you did good things you will get good things, if you did bad things you will get bad things. So that intruder will get what he did in the past whether good or bad. All that matters, that she will be watching him, she will be watching the intruder of her life, taking what he deserves. She will be watching now another one of those favorite series-es, whom she enjoys watching; but you know what? That series will be different. It will be the series of the intruder of her life. In another words, what goes around comes around, everything a person should know that; whatever you do it will always come back, it doesn’t matter when because it will come anyways. So be careful from everything, be careful before doing anything without thinking what may occur. Don’t’ give promises you won’t make, don’t say words you don’t mean, don’t make fun of someone, don’t hurt someone on purpose, don’t undergo something you can’t handle it from the beginning, please people for God’s mercy don’t enter someone’s life without planning what’s next. Don’t hurt each other, be kind be merciful. You never know what might happen in the future, the good will be bad, the bad will be good and the kind will be evil and the evil will be kind.

Life is like allocation, you will get the quota whether bad or good you will get it anyway. Don’t be the intruder of someone’s life. And don’t fall in-love with an intruder.

Train Station

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Many people entered her life, some stay others leave. Each one enters her life leaves a place, a memory or a scar. Her life turned to be like a train station, where passengers can get in and out at any time. Just when they reach their requested destination, the train stops and they get out. Through their trip, some don’t stay long as they need to go somewhere else; because simply they haven’t reach their right destination. They have chosen her life; as if they have chosen a place where they can play, destroy, ruin or exploit it as a territory. But it is not a place or destination it’s a life of a human being, who has feelings, fears, questions; a doubtful person who knows nothing about their intentions.

How can people choose a place randomly, out of no where; just crossed their minds to give it a try and stop the train, and let the fun begins. Seriously?  Is it that easy, to enter a life and leave it whenever you want, just because you are done? A human being’s life is not a destination, it is not a place or a rail way where you can regularly stop.

She won’t let anyone else use her or exploit her just to reach their destination, she will no longer hospital who will ever choose her stop, she will start filtering people. Choosing her destination  is not a choice anymore, it’s a request whether you will wait for acceptance or simply you will get an ignorance to your request.

Sometimes, women reach their peak of being “fed up”, and when that time comes; no one can stop them. That’s actually what happened to her, its her time to be fed up, of all the shit that she has gone through, various number of  shitty people who have entered her life lately. She has turned into an unstoppable and uncontrollable train where nothing can stop it, because the brakes are already broken. This train can be named  as an angry train, it will crash anything in front of it because, it has lost control and it has reached its peak.She might pretend that she has it all together, and everything is under control; but it is not. She has already lost control, and the train just started its tour.

Congratulations!

Her life has already turned into a train wreck.

The Thing about Symbols

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Earlier in the ancient history ancient people innovated their own language that can be named as language of symbols in which each symbol they drew resembles a letter, they created their own language the language of symbols where you can type your name in different shapes. A letter can be written by one or more symbol.  Symbols must resemble something not only letters or words.  The Chinese language also is about symbols, letters are written in squares, lines and different signs no one can understand it except them or people who learned their language.

The Ojibwa the Native American speakers who exists in both United States and Canada had a legend about the origin of what is so called the dream catcher. A dream catcher is another kind of symbols that resembles a protective webs made by mothers and grandmothers to prevent bad dreams from entering. It’s like  a spider web with charms, beads, feathers and arrow heads it’s known that nothing can go through a spider’s web without being stuck and prevented from going through. The dream catchers have the same idea mothers and grandmothers created two spider webs decorated by some feathers and other stuff and called it a dream catcher they hung it on an individual’s bed or a baby’s cradle to catch all of a person’s dreams trapping the bad ones preventing it to go through the dream catcher and make the only good ones pass.

Also Native Americans believes that night air carries both good and bad dreams. The dream catcher is hung on a bed where it swings freely in the air beautifully catches all the dreams good and bad; only the good ones know how to slip and pass through the holes of the web. However some people uses the dream catcher to only decorate their room they have only fall for the part of or the fact of it’s a dream catcher it catches the dreams but not believing it it’s just a catchy name you know? It sounds interesting and fun.

That’s the thing about symbols; symbols might carry meanings, legendaries or storytelling some will be interested to know and some will only fall for the shape of the symbol.

There is another kind of symbols also, the one that is used in encoding this kind of symbols has its own type of people let’s say the freak or the ones who are addicted to technologies and hacking systems and computer issues.  All symbols believed to be loved in one way or another it carries an untold story untold mysteries maybe a hidden universe.

People make their own way through their journeys in life at some period at an unprepared moment they fall for a symbol  by coincidence search for its history make it their own kind of symbol use it almost in everything from the very moment their eyes fell on it.  Use it in accessories, printed tees, shoe, and mobile covers etc. it’s their symbol now.

Uncountable symbol languages everywhere in this world, people love to know how their names will be written in Chinese, Pharaonic,  Turkish, Greek, Russian etc. they even customize their names on a piece of accessory proud of how their names looks nice in those symbols. Again a symbol carries a mystery inside that no one will ever undergo yet it’s a beautiful mystery that doesn’t need to be uncovered. It’s just enough to fall for it loves it and be addicted to it.

The symbol you choose to love or the symbol that chose you somehow it resembles you without noticing and that is the thing about symbols it’s mysterious and the mystery catches you like a dream catcher. Each person in this world has his own kind of symbol whether a cool text sign, pictures or a one he/she invented;  a person with no symbol is like a text without emoticons and that’s the thing about symbols.