Is Help available for me?


A quote by Lou Holtz; it’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.

Lately, there is too much stress to handle, I feel loaded I can’t carry on any load anymore; it’s starting to break and it will fall soon. I’m losing my temper, I don’t have control anymore being nervous all the time is breaking me into pieces; it’s not the stress that is killing it’s my reaction to it. I don’t know how to handle things anymore; I have no patience left even taking a deep breath is hard. I need to plow my anger and my energy into something positive and how is that? Actually I have no idea!

Maybe the last few years of my life was not too fancy; but even throughout all the past years anyone gets to know me, they know very well how cheerful  I am and how positive person I am.  Quite sure I’m a great company; but this is changing and I can’t help it I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I no longer have patience I’m always worried about what’s going to happen and what’s not going to happen; I was a risk person now I’m afraid of taking any step forward; scared of what could happen, always interpreting things into negative ways! Starting to transfer all the negative energy to others and guess what! That’s way too far from me as a person!

I need help yes I’m calling for help; I’m helpless. And I’m sorry for that.

I want to get back to the old me; to that cheerful person who is full of positive energy who is willing to live his life with no limitation. I need to stop being afraid and worried all the time I need to let go things I need to start living.

Am I might be facing a depression? Please tell me no!

Why the hell I’m crying all the time, why I cry for no reason? Recently, my reaction towards anything is just crying and feels a horrible pain inside; I feel stressed towards everything I can’t eliminate my stress at all. I have zero energy for any interesting favorite activities, no patience; sometimes I gain weight sometimes I lose weight nothing is stable. I have insomnia as well and no appetite plus inability to concentrate. Is help available for me?

I know nowadays I have the things I wished for, but why I’m not happy? I’m happy that I have it and I’m thankful for it by why it’s not enough? Why the hell I’m asking these questions! Even though while I’m writing this as a kind or relief I’m crying! You will ask why you are crying.  And I will reply by; I REALLY DON’T KNOW!

Is there any hope for me? Is help available for me? Am I facing depression?


A Life After Losing A Mother


A life after losing a mother, is the hardest thing a one can experience you won’t be able to call her again whenever you need her, you have to accept that you can’t text or call her again. Maybe after a while you will stop crying when you talk about her which I doubt, as the sadness will still creep in.

People won’t understand your mood-swing and why the hell are you angry or aggressive in dealing with others, unfortunately its something out of your hands. There are some days where you want to shut off from the outside world just for days, to be able to breath normally again and react with people. The amount of pressure you have inside your heart will change you 360 degree, you will never be the person you were before.

Her first birthday in heaven will be hard, each ceremony or event without her is even harder, sometimes you will feel that its still fresh, that you just lost her a short time ago yet; it might have been months since you lost her. The sadness in the heart will never disappear, you will have a mixed feelings in each event that she is not there with you.

You feel like you are still angry, you are angry from everything and everyone, deep inside there are million of screams that you try hard to hide and keep it silent. You will try to pick up your pieces and rejoin life, and start going out with friends and laugh with them. But you still feel her absence you try hard to stick to the things you used to love, but you have lost interest in everything and drown into deep sadness where you can’t find a way out.

Those different moments when you search for her guidance and for her words that used to give you hope; that she is “Proud of You”, “Go on babe you are strong” “I love you my sweet daughter” those difficult moments when they across your mind you scream searching for her and hoping she can hear you. Those moments are the hardest ones.

The Loss of a dearest person changes your life on the long term, you will try to reconnect with life after losing that person but it’s a long journey to go back to the old you, and the percentage of that is almost Zero!

You will grieve in your own way and in your own time.

A life after losing a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

The year of coming apart By Michael Petrilli


There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.