The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

The Intruder Of her Life

 

 

Back then to a famous series, she used to watch there was a sentence said by an actress; who have fallen in-love with an intruder; she said back then; “when I first, started working here as a doctor, first thing they have taught us is: “Don’t fall in-love with an intruder”.  Ps: that actress’s role was a prison physician.  She never felt, she would relate somehow what had happened with her, to a small sample she saw earlier in one of her favorite series-es.

Throughout the days, she realized that she might have something in common with that actress in the show, she has fallen in-love with an intruder; but this intruder wasn’t fictional as the one in the series, it was a REAL one. Let’s name it the intruder of her life, the one she never thought he would come up like this, at first she didn’t realize how malicious and deceitful he is. But actually each day, he proves that he is not only malicious or deceitful he is also a thief,  a one who stole almost everything. He stole her time, her life, her friends and everything; yet she is standing on her own feet, visualizing all he had done to her but with a stronger soul not a weak one. She thought at the beginning she might get weak, but people around her told her you will move on faster than you can ever imagine, at first she didn’t believe it but actually she did throughout the time.

Actually that intruder was the reason of her  being strong, he helped her to be stronger not weak, he thought she will be weak but actually by all the things he have done and even still doing, he is helped her to be more stronger without knowing.  They say; “as you sow, so shall you reap”, if you did good things you will get good things, if you did bad things you will get bad things. So that intruder will get what he did in the past whether good or bad. All that matters, that she will be watching him, she will be watching the intruder of her life, taking what he deserves. She will be watching now another one of those favorite series-es, whom she enjoys watching; but you know what? That series will be different. It will be the series of the intruder of her life. In another words, what goes around comes around, everything a person should know that; whatever you do it will always come back, it doesn’t matter when because it will come anyways. So be careful from everything, be careful before doing anything without thinking what may occur. Don’t’ give promises you won’t make, don’t say words you don’t mean, don’t make fun of someone, don’t hurt someone on purpose, don’t undergo something you can’t handle it from the beginning, please people for God’s mercy don’t enter someone’s life without planning what’s next. Don’t hurt each other, be kind be merciful. You never know what might happen in the future, the good will be bad, the bad will be good and the kind will be evil and the evil will be kind.

Life is like allocation, you will get the quota whether bad or good you will get it anyway. Don’t be the intruder of someone’s life. And don’t fall in-love with an intruder.

Train Station

Many people entered her life, some stay others leave. Each one enters her life leaves a place, a memory or a scar. Her life turned to be like a train station, where passengers can get in and out at any time. Just when they reach their requested destination, the train stops and they get out. Through their trip, some don’t stay long as they need to go somewhere else; because simply they haven’t reach their right destination. They have chosen her life; as if they have chosen a place where they can play, destroy, ruin or exploit it as a territory. But it is not a place or destination it’s a life of a human being, who has feelings, fears, questions; a doubtful person who knows nothing about their intentions.

How can people choose a place randomly, out of no where; just crossed their minds to give it a try and stop the train, and let the fun begins. Seriously?  Is it that easy, to enter a life and leave it whenever you want, just because you are done? A human being’s life is not a destination, it is not a place or a rail way where you can regularly stop.

She won’t let anyone else use her or exploit her just to reach their destination, she will no longer hospital who will ever choose her stop, she will start filtering people. Choosing her destination  is not a choice anymore, it’s a request whether you will wait for acceptance or simply you will get an ignorance to your request.

Sometimes, women reach their peak of being “fed up”, and when that time comes; no one can stop them. That’s actually what happened to her, its her time to be fed up, of all the shit that she has gone through, various number of  shitty people who have entered her life lately. She has turned into an unstoppable and uncontrollable train where nothing can stop it, because the brakes are already broken. This train can be named  as an angry train, it will crash anything in front of it because, it has lost control and it has reached its peak.She might pretend that she has it all together, and everything is under control; but it is not. She has already lost control, and the train just started its tour.

Congratulations!

Her life has already turned into a train wreck.

The Green Book

Part one

April 10^th. 2015
10:42 AM

Birds tweeting outside her bedroom its 6:00 o’clock in the morning, the alarm rang. She raised her hand to turn it off, and spontaneously reached for her phone to check if she had gotten any messages from him.

Disappointed as usual, she got nothing. She turned off her cell and went to take her morning shower before going to work. She took off her pajamas and got into the shower. After finishing fifteen minutes later, she put on some random clothes, wore her comfortable sneakers and tied her hair in a pony tail. Her day at work continues as normal, a routine, nothing new. She is counting down the hours, minutes until she can finally go back home. The clock strikes 16:00 pm and she leaves the office, stopping at her favorite bookstore before going home to check if there are any new interesting books.

At the bookstore;

“Good evening Madame, it’s your lucky day! Newly arrived books came in today. They are in the back. We didn’t put them on the shelves yet.” said the seller.

“Oh that’s really nice! I was hoping that I could find some new books. Would it be okay if I checked them out?” she replied.

For sure, come this way please. The seller led her to the storage room in the back of the bookstore.

“Here they are! If you need any help, just call me over. I will be at the register.”

“Thank you.” She replied.

She flipped through the first pages of each book, skimming the lines of each chapter but nothing seemed interesting. She puts the books back and turns towards the exit door. At that moment something caught her eye; a green book. It was under the table and seemed to have been dropped by mistake and had gone unnoticed. She bends over to pick it up. It looks like agenda rather than a normal book. The title of the book was written in a strange kind of ink; “The Green Book”.

She wondered what kind of book it was, as she took it in her hands and headed to the seller.

“Excuse me.” She said.

“Yes Madame, Did you find anything interesting in there?” the seller asked.

“Actually yes! I’m wondering who the author of this book is?”

“Can I see it please?” the seller paused for a moment, actually I don’t know. Nothing is written on the cover except for the title! Let me check on the computer.

After searching for a while the seller told her, he couldn’t even find the book in the new arrivals page and it had never been registered into the system.

“Someone probably left it behind, by mistake.” She said.

“Probably yes, But you can borrow it if you want.”

“Okay, I would like that! If someone calls and asks about it, just give them my number.” She said.

“Sure.”

“Thank you so much.” She said as she was leaving.

She arrived home and ate her dinner while watching TV for a while. It was 19:30 pm and he still didn’t call or text her.

Suddenly, her phone started to ring; she eagerly picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

There was no reply.

“Hello? Is anybody there?” she asked again and again.

Nothing. The caller had hung up. She wondered if the caller was him.

She left the phone headed to the kitchen to get something to drink. While heading to the kitchen, her eyes fell on that green book she borrowed at the bookstore earlier that day. She carried the juice; she got from the fridge in one hand and in the other she carried the green book.

Putting the juice on the table beside her, she prepared herself to read. She looks at the book and says; you better be interesting! And she begins to read…

They say one day someone will come and change your whole life. What if it wasn’t someone? What if it was a green book?!

To Be continued……..

The Thing about Symbols

Earlier in the ancient history ancient people innovated their own language that can be named as language of symbols in which each symbol they drew resembles a letter, they created their own language the language of symbols where you can type your name in different shapes. A letter can be written by one or more symbol.  Symbols must resemble something not only letters or words.  The Chinese language also is about symbols, letters are written in squares, lines and different signs no one can understand it except them or people who learned their language.

The Ojibwa the Native American speakers who exists in both United States and Canada had a legend about the origin of what is so called the dream catcher. A dream catcher is another kind of symbols that resembles a protective webs made by mothers and grandmothers to prevent bad dreams from entering. It’s like  a spider web with charms, beads, feathers and arrow heads it’s known that nothing can go through a spider’s web without being stuck and prevented from going through. The dream catchers have the same idea mothers and grandmothers created two spider webs decorated by some feathers and other stuff and called it a dream catcher they hung it on an individual’s bed or a baby’s cradle to catch all of a person’s dreams trapping the bad ones preventing it to go through the dream catcher and make the only good ones pass.

Also Native Americans believes that night air carries both good and bad dreams. The dream catcher is hung on a bed where it swings freely in the air beautifully catches all the dreams good and bad; only the good ones know how to slip and pass through the holes of the web. However some people uses the dream catcher to only decorate their room they have only fall for the part of or the fact of it’s a dream catcher it catches the dreams but not believing it it’s just a catchy name you know? It sounds interesting and fun.

That’s the thing about symbols; symbols might carry meanings, legendaries or storytelling some will be interested to know and some will only fall for the shape of the symbol.

There is another kind of symbols also, the one that is used in encoding this kind of symbols has its own type of people let’s say the freak or the ones who are addicted to technologies and hacking systems and computer issues.  All symbols believed to be loved in one way or another it carries an untold story untold mysteries maybe a hidden universe.

People make their own way through their journeys in life at some period at an unprepared moment they fall for a symbol  by coincidence search for its history make it their own kind of symbol use it almost in everything from the very moment their eyes fell on it.  Use it in accessories, printed tees, shoe, and mobile covers etc. it’s their symbol now.

Uncountable symbol languages everywhere in this world, people love to know how their names will be written in Chinese, Pharaonic,  Turkish, Greek, Russian etc. they even customize their names on a piece of accessory proud of how their names looks nice in those symbols. Again a symbol carries a mystery inside that no one will ever undergo yet it’s a beautiful mystery that doesn’t need to be uncovered. It’s just enough to fall for it loves it and be addicted to it.

The symbol you choose to love or the symbol that chose you somehow it resembles you without noticing and that is the thing about symbols it’s mysterious and the mystery catches you like a dream catcher. Each person in this world has his own kind of symbol whether a cool text sign, pictures or a one he/she invented;  a person with no symbol is like a text without emoticons and that’s the thing about symbols.

Pain demands to be felt

They say pain demands to be felt and it’s truly true, you will never experience pain unless you feel it crushing your feelings, senses, and brain and mind each part of your body experience pain in a different way.  Pain is known as something bad something that hurts you badly, you can feel pain when you fall from your bike and get yourself hurt you can be in pain when you touch something hot accidently you can feel pain from a paper cut you can feel pain while sewing a piece of cloth even in sex you are in pain. But here is the odd thing about pain that each situation has a different kind of pain in sex you are in pain yet you are enjoying it sometimes there is pleasure in what you are experiencing. This doesn’t mean that pain is beautiful but it is not bad as well. Pain demands to be felt yes pain demands to be felt, we have to see things from a different perspective to look at things from far away because you can’t see things correctly or different when you are close to it for example like hidden objects game when you take a very close look you can’t see the small things but when you go away from a little you will figure out all the detailed and small things that’s how we should deal with everything we experience even pain.

We have to learn how to live with pain how to find pleasure in it more than suffer, tattoos are one of the painful pleasures you bleed from the needle hence it gives you a beautiful  lasting tattoo on your body.  Little pain is good for oneself pain can be endured by how you choose to absorb it and deal with it as a good thing not a bad thing.

Pain can turn you to a different person the more you get pain the more you grow up the more you can handle things differently. Yes it makes you stronger – braver and wiser but first it makes you one of a kind.  Being strong with ignoring pain and deciding never to feel it doesn’t make you a strong person you need to feel, accept and absorb it.

Somehow I see pain and love share some things in between; both demands to be felt both can cause you hurt and both can change you into strong, brave and wise person both are good. I guess pain and love is one thing it’s just written differently.

From a grammar teacher’s point of view pain is considered to be a bad connotation and love is considered to be a good connotation. But from a writer’s point of view they are both good and bad.