life

Is Help available for me?

help

A quote by Lou Holtz; it’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.

Lately, there is too much stress to handle, I feel loaded I can’t carry on any load anymore; it’s starting to break and it will fall soon. I’m losing my temper, I don’t have control anymore being nervous all the time is breaking me into pieces; it’s not the stress that is killing it’s my reaction to it. I don’t know how to handle things anymore; I have no patience left even taking a deep breath is hard. I need to plow my anger and my energy into something positive and how is that? Actually I have no idea!

Maybe the last few years of my life was not too fancy; but even throughout all the past years anyone gets to know me, they know very well how cheerful  I am and how positive person I am.  Quite sure I’m a great company; but this is changing and I can’t help it I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I no longer have patience I’m always worried about what’s going to happen and what’s not going to happen; I was a risk person now I’m afraid of taking any step forward; scared of what could happen, always interpreting things into negative ways! Starting to transfer all the negative energy to others and guess what! That’s way too far from me as a person!

I need help yes I’m calling for help; I’m helpless. And I’m sorry for that.

I want to get back to the old me; to that cheerful person who is full of positive energy who is willing to live his life with no limitation. I need to stop being afraid and worried all the time I need to let go things I need to start living.

Am I might be facing a depression? Please tell me no!

Why the hell I’m crying all the time, why I cry for no reason? Recently, my reaction towards anything is just crying and feels a horrible pain inside; I feel stressed towards everything I can’t eliminate my stress at all. I have zero energy for any interesting favorite activities, no patience; sometimes I gain weight sometimes I lose weight nothing is stable. I have insomnia as well and no appetite plus inability to concentrate. Is help available for me?

I know nowadays I have the things I wished for, but why I’m not happy? I’m happy that I have it and I’m thankful for it by why it’s not enough? Why the hell I’m asking these questions! Even though while I’m writing this as a kind or relief I’m crying! You will ask why you are crying.  And I will reply by; I REALLY DON’T KNOW!

Is there any hope for me? Is help available for me? Am I facing depression?

ANSWER ME!

The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

The year of coming apart By Michael Petrilli

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

Happy Moments

42-baby-photography-by-Elena-Shcherban

A question crossed my mind after having a quality time, especially a happy moment. The happy moment you have through spending your time with the people you love is priceless, but it only happens in a very short time; maybe just a few seconds. Those seconds are the best time you had during the whole day. Can you imagine? Just few seconds in the 24 hours, those seconds can make you happy the whole day, maybe your whole life. My question is what happens to those moments you were happy in, I mean people change all the time and maybe you are done talking to someone since a while, maybe you just stopped talking to each other without reason. How come? You had previously a happy moment with them; how it can end up this way, you were happy one day with that person, you had the best time with that person, you were laughing till you stomach hurts. My point is you have a collection of happy moments during your life; but at certain moment it vanishes. When you sit alone you think about that moment, that person you were happy with, and rethink about the whole situation; you may smile just because it was a happy moment that you were happy at back then. You will never realize that you are making memories, all you care about back then that you were just having fun and a good time.

You may have a good life with a good collection of happy moments, and you may have a bad life with happy moments that can make you alive through your bad life. In conclusion; stick to those happy moments keep holding them and never let them go. Your happy moments are now your fictional comrade, because your true one has already gone.

 

Train Station

363595_e085c3aa

Many people entered her life, some stay others leave. Each one enters her life leaves a place, a memory or a scar. Her life turned to be like a train station, where passengers can get in and out at any time. Just when they reach their requested destination, the train stops and they get out. Through their trip, some don’t stay long as they need to go somewhere else; because simply they haven’t reach their right destination. They have chosen her life; as if they have chosen a place where they can play, destroy, ruin or exploit it as a territory. But it is not a place or destination it’s a life of a human being, who has feelings, fears, questions; a doubtful person who knows nothing about their intentions.

How can people choose a place randomly, out of no where; just crossed their minds to give it a try and stop the train, and let the fun begins. Seriously?  Is it that easy, to enter a life and leave it whenever you want, just because you are done? A human being’s life is not a destination, it is not a place or a rail way where you can regularly stop.

She won’t let anyone else use her or exploit her just to reach their destination, she will no longer hospital who will ever choose her stop, she will start filtering people. Choosing her destination  is not a choice anymore, it’s a request whether you will wait for acceptance or simply you will get an ignorance to your request.

Sometimes, women reach their peak of being “fed up”, and when that time comes; no one can stop them. That’s actually what happened to her, its her time to be fed up, of all the shit that she has gone through, various number of  shitty people who have entered her life lately. She has turned into an unstoppable and uncontrollable train where nothing can stop it, because the brakes are already broken. This train can be named  as an angry train, it will crash anything in front of it because, it has lost control and it has reached its peak.She might pretend that she has it all together, and everything is under control; but it is not. She has already lost control, and the train just started its tour.

Congratulations!

Her life has already turned into a train wreck.

Pain demands to be felt

4d2d93f3cc1a667f0b07937b2d66ce78

They say pain demands to be felt and it’s truly true, you will never experience pain unless you feel it crushing your feelings, senses, and brain and mind each part of your body experience pain in a different way.  Pain is known as something bad something that hurts you badly, you can feel pain when you fall from your bike and get yourself hurt you can be in pain when you touch something hot accidently you can feel pain from a paper cut you can feel pain while sewing a piece of cloth even in sex you are in pain. But here is the odd thing about pain that each situation has a different kind of pain in sex you are in pain yet you are enjoying it sometimes there is pleasure in what you are experiencing. This doesn’t mean that pain is beautiful but it is not bad as well. Pain demands to be felt yes pain demands to be felt, we have to see things from a different perspective to look at things from far away because you can’t see things correctly or different when you are close to it for example like hidden objects game when you take a very close look you can’t see the small things but when you go away from a little you will figure out all the detailed and small things that’s how we should deal with everything we experience even pain.

We have to learn how to live with pain how to find pleasure in it more than suffer, tattoos are one of the painful pleasures you bleed from the needle hence it gives you a beautiful  lasting tattoo on your body.  Little pain is good for oneself pain can be endured by how you choose to absorb it and deal with it as a good thing not a bad thing.

Pain can turn you to a different person the more you get pain the more you grow up the more you can handle things differently. Yes it makes you stronger – braver and wiser but first it makes you one of a kind.  Being strong with ignoring pain and deciding never to feel it doesn’t make you a strong person you need to feel, accept and absorb it.

Somehow I see pain and love share some things in between; both demands to be felt both can cause you hurt and both can change you into strong, brave and wise person both are good. I guess pain and love is one thing it’s just written differently.

From a grammar teacher’s point of view pain is considered to be a bad connotation and love is considered to be a good connotation. But from a writer’s point of view they are both good and bad.

Choices

Signs

No longer a human being but a robot, routine kills the positive energy in a person’s life because doing the same thing over and over makes you feel like a robot you have tasks you have to finish it and get another and another. It never stops and makes you an energy sucker. You are no longer a positive person routine is killing you from the inside out.

A person who doesn’t appreciate what he has will neither have a positive energy nor is a positive life it will be hard to live a positive one when a person has a lack of appreciation.

To find happiness you must search for positivism first.

Be a human being not a robot.

I know it’s hard to turn all those negative energy to a positive action but we have to try right?

All those suppressed negative feelings, words, actions; every negative area of your life has to turn to positive and use it as a strong purpose to find your happiness. It’s never too late to change your life, yesterday was bad its OK it’s not the end there is always a way to change. God created us to undergo the good and bad days to fall and stand again to cry to laugh to get hurt and be healed. It’s about time to make a good use of it in a positive way or a negative one it’s your life and your choice. Adam chose to eat from the forbidden tree he made his choice so you can make your own choice but no one else will walk in your life and live your choices you are the one who is going to live it; so before taking any action towards yourself or your life put in mind you will be alone it’s your life it’s your choice!

Negative and positive choices will always exist as good and evil does. Control yourself control your life shape it as you want you are the owner you are the one that is responsible for his/her thoughts, actions and choices.

Blaming circumstances or people is becoming a cliche; it’s a curtain which you created where you can hide behind it blaming the circumstances or the others for what you have underwent but actually it is not true. You chose this life you took this action no one did it for you it’s you!

Every choice has its bad and good effects life is not fair you will never get all the good things all the way but by you standing on your own you can decrease the amount of bad effects in which you will find happiness in some way where you will appreciate the less of goods and appreciate what you have while others doesn’t.

Minimize the negative energy be positive be thankful be a good person with a good intentions of becoming a positive person.

Marionettes

11160275_10206497570347625_127111485_n

When you have feelings for someone and he share the same for you it doesn’t mean that you should be in a relationship together. Hence you have strong feelings same as he does but not all relationships based on the stereotyping so called thing “in a relationship”. For some just having feelings without being committed to someone makes them feel free they think that they don’t have to be committed to something.

Things can be much easier when you don’t make promises to someone. Well, it’s ironically true there is nothing to claim that because you have feelings for this someone he has to be in a relationship with you. But we as a different society with different traditions and morals we don’t believe in this; we push each other to the stereotyping so called thing being “in a relationship”.  Having feelings for someone follows the step after which is a must to be in a relationship get engaged then marriage after.

This has to stop we have to believe in that some relationships are not meant to happen or to be completed on the follow list of relationship- engagement- marriage; some relationships has to end at some point to stay as it should be from the beginning. You have feelings I have feelings this is good but nothing else will happen. What should happen is to prevent ourselves from having even those feelings for some or actually precisely some kind of people they don’t deserve the time you waste from your life on them hoping for more or hoping to reach your peak point in the kind of relationship you want. We have to face the ugly truth of which there is that kind of people who doesn’t know what they really want yet they want everything together and that just can’t happen and will never ever happen.

You are not a marionette puppet in someone’s hands you are not designed to be manipulated by whoever is in charge. You are the owner of your life you shape your life as you want you are the manipulative and they are the marionettes.

What’s life?

 images

What’s life?

How life is so weird? How it can turn upside down in a minute?  Someone can die while the other is born. How can someone’s death can be a turning point in the life of the other. His life can change to the better or someone comes and fills the gap or the disappearance of the dead ones.

Life is ambiguous no one can understands it no matter how hard a one can try.

What’s life? I don’t know what life is there is no quite definition of life, people interpret the meaning of life according to how they live whether a happy life or a sad one. But to come to a conclusion there is no exact definition of life it depends on the lives of people!

Wriiten on 16th of oct, 2014

19:08 pm

I Miss You

miss-you-58a_1917771682

You have failed me. Congratulations I miss you yes I do. I miss you; all my days are the same since the distance you created between us. I don’t know if you were planning to do this from the beginning or not. But congratulations you’ve done it well couldn’t be any better. I still miss you each time I go back and read the conversations between us it crosses on my mind the idea of; is it a history now? Are they just saved memories on the mobile? Will be moved to the archive soon Why can’t I let the memory of you go away? Why I’m still having this thought in my mind that you will come back and tell me how sorry you are. I miss you can’t stop saying it I really miss the existence of you each day. Will you ever come back again? I know you might not come back again but let me tell you something I will always miss you I will always remember you. I don’t know if it’s love or not. But your existence is something I can’t live without I might hide it but you can see it through my eyes. Love is just a word. What I feel towards you is not love. I don’t know I just miss you. I’m sorry but I miss you. I miss the way you used to tease me I miss your calls I miss your late messages at the end of the day. I miss your short messages when you are busy in the middle of the day. Can’t count the “I miss you “. I’m sorry but I miss you

Written on 23rd of March 2015
12:27 Am

The girl with no identity

11065108_739044759544768_870190433_o

Electricity is off silence all over the place. Outside the window she can hear the voice of the passing cars in the streets and the neighbor’s dog barks at the midnight of a Tuesday night where no one else is there except her. She is drowning in her unspoken thoughts picking up a bunch of papers from the table besides her searching for a pen to start writing what she can’t tell. Minutes and hours pass and the ink of her pen drops on the papers and drew a pond.

In that moment, she has already escaped reality and drown deeper in her thoughts. That night she didn’t write anything she didn’t know from where to start. Revealing the suppressed conflicts or the sorrows inside her was a scary idea she can’t express her feelings when she tries to it ends the other way around by being misunderstood or being an enigma. She can’t understand herself sometimes whether she meant to do that or she is trying to hide her feelings. That inner conflict might stem from lack of self confidence. For her she would never be a part of anything she doesn’t belong to anywhere all her life she has been trying to belong to somewhere and it ends up by failing. She knew it from the first day she came to this world she doesn’t belong to anyone or anywhere and she didn’t really care. She is a stranger in this world for some she is a girl with no identity. Somehow that made her feel safer being a mystery to others where no one can enter her world. The only way she can reveal her thoughts is to write and keep writing about the things that frightens her from the world she is living in the one that she doesn’t belong to. She will always remain the girl with no identity who lives in a world that she doesn’t belong to.

And that thought is her safe haven in this world!

Edited on Friday 20th of march
20:30 pm