anger

The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

The year of coming apart By Michael Petrilli

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

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I need no one

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The need of someone or the feeling of the need itself annoys her to the extent. I need no one to control me I need no one to judge me I need no one to tell me what to do or not to do I need no one to help me I need no one to change me I need no one to pity me I need no one to comfort me I need no one to protect me I need no one to believe in me I need no one to explore me I need no one to encourage me I need no one to pamper me.

I just need no one and I will never need a one.
She has already reached the highest level of anger in which she has gone madly and started to repeat these sentences over and over. She need no one but herself she can handle her things on her own without any help from the others all she has is HERSELF only herself. She listens to others while they are present yet she is not listening she is listening to that voice in her ears her own voice “I’m responsible for no one except myself”.  Everyone’s words are meaningless and useless believe and accept no word call it selfishness call it loneliness call it anything it doesn’t matter. All what matters is that she doesn’t need anyone. People actions make her question everything that had happened believe in no one but herself care about no one but herself. She doesn’t have to accept anyone it’s not always about others because others are not important than her. Its awkward she knows but again she can’t help herself from being  that person she is; she had have enough of all those shitty people all those faces she want to slap but she chose to remain silent and watch. It’s not bad to remain silent sometimes silence can be the best action a one can take because silence makes her think positively towards things hence usually silence makes her strangled because she couldn’t reveal the anger inside her she buried it spontaneously she learned to remain silent always and forever. She created that voice inside her that voice that controls both her and precisely her actions towards herself but she is happy she is doing what she wants she needs no one but herself she needs no one to control her; she controls herself she is on her own all alone by her own she is happy you can see it in her insistence; “I just need no one and I will never need a one.”

Her voice will be her friend, her voice will be her mentor, and her voice will be her everything because she needs no one.