Is Help available for me?

A quote by Lou Holtz; it’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.

Lately, there is too much stress to handle, I feel loaded I can’t carry on any load anymore; it’s starting to break and it will fall soon. I’m losing my temper, I don’t have control anymore being nervous all the time is breaking me into pieces; it’s not the stress that is killing it’s my reaction to it. I don’t know how to handle things anymore; I have no patience left even taking a deep breath is hard. I need to plow my anger and my energy into something positive and how is that? Actually I have no idea!

Maybe the last few years of my life was not too fancy; but even throughout all the past years anyone gets to know me, they know very well how cheerful  I am and how positive person I am.  Quite sure I’m a great company; but this is changing and I can’t help it I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I no longer have patience I’m always worried about what’s going to happen and what’s not going to happen; I was a risk person now I’m afraid of taking any step forward; scared of what could happen, always interpreting things into negative ways! Starting to transfer all the negative energy to others and guess what! That’s way too far from me as a person!

I need help yes I’m calling for help; I’m helpless. And I’m sorry for that.

I want to get back to the old me; to that cheerful person who is full of positive energy who is willing to live his life with no limitation. I need to stop being afraid and worried all the time I need to let go things I need to start living.

Am I might be facing a depression? Please tell me no!

Why the hell I’m crying all the time, why I cry for no reason? Recently, my reaction towards anything is just crying and feels a horrible pain inside; I feel stressed towards everything I can’t eliminate my stress at all. I have zero energy for any interesting favorite activities, no patience; sometimes I gain weight sometimes I lose weight nothing is stable. I have insomnia as well and no appetite plus inability to concentrate. Is help available for me?

I know nowadays I have the things I wished for, but why I’m not happy? I’m happy that I have it and I’m thankful for it by why it’s not enough? Why the hell I’m asking these questions! Even though while I’m writing this as a kind or relief I’m crying! You will ask why you are crying.  And I will reply by; I REALLY DON’T KNOW!

Is there any hope for me? Is help available for me? Am I facing depression?

ANSWER ME!

A Life After Losing A Mother

 

A life after losing a mother, is the hardest thing a one can experience you won’t be able to call her again whenever you need her, you have to accept that you can’t text or call her again. Maybe after a while you will stop crying when you talk about her which I doubt, as the sadness will still creep in.

People won’t understand your mood-swing and why the hell are you angry or aggressive in dealing with others, unfortunately its something out of your hands. There are some days where you want to shut off from the outside world just for days, to be able to breath normally again and react with people. The amount of pressure you have inside your heart will change you 360 degree, you will never be the person you were before.

Her first birthday in heaven will be hard, each ceremony or event without her is even harder, sometimes you will feel that its still fresh, that you just lost her a short time ago yet; it might have been months since you lost her. The sadness in the heart will never disappear, you will have a mixed feelings in each event that she is not there with you.

You feel like you are still angry, you are angry from everything and everyone, deep inside there are million of screams that you try hard to hide and keep it silent. You will try to pick up your pieces and rejoin life, and start going out with friends and laugh with them. But you still feel her absence you try hard to stick to the things you used to love, but you have lost interest in everything and drown into deep sadness where you can’t find a way out.

Those different moments when you search for her guidance and for her words that used to give you hope; that she is “Proud of You”, “Go on babe you are strong” “I love you my sweet daughter” those difficult moments when they across your mind you scream searching for her and hoping she can hear you. Those moments are the hardest ones.

The Loss of a dearest person changes your life on the long term, you will try to reconnect with life after losing that person but it’s a long journey to go back to the old you, and the percentage of that is almost Zero!

You will grieve in your own way and in your own time.

A life after losing a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.

The Day I refused To Say Goodbye to My Mother

 

There’s something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible. It’s a wound that will never quite heal. The death of my mother makes me realize that every single moment we spent together; I wasted an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. Death has separated us very quickly; I didn’t have enough time to tell her how much I love her and how it’s unbearable to live without her. I thought that there are no Goodbyes between us, because it’s too painful and unfair. Although you are too far from here but never far from my heart, have I known one day we will meet and be together again; but until that day comes I want you to know that I will miss you more than any words can be said and I will never stop thinking of you until my time comes. I will always whisper words to God where you might hear me through, but I’m sorry I will never say good bye. I can’t see you anymore, but you are always at my side. I have faith my mother, but it’s my heart that doesn’t because there is no cure for that. God saw you getting so tired and no cure can cure you, he has chosen you for a better mission he has taken you to a better home to rest. With a tearful eyes and broken heart I watched you fading away, and did nothing except crying. It’s a very painful experience and a harsh one yet, I know you are in a better place but it’s me who can’t survive the fact of the non existence of you. I’m not sure exactly how heaven will look like, but I’m sure it’s your best cure my pure mother. The day I refused to say Goodbye to my mother, Outside the grief people may not understand that I didn’t just lose a person at one point in time, I have lost a mother whom I have lost her presence in every aspect of my life my future has changed even my “now”. Goodbyes will never be my type my mother, till we meet again my beloved.

 

Happy Moments

A question crossed my mind after having a quality time, especially a happy moment. The happy moment you have through spending your time with the people you love is priceless, but it only happens in a very short time; maybe just a few seconds. Those seconds are the best time you had during the whole day. Can you imagine? Just few seconds in the 24 hours, those seconds can make you happy the whole day, maybe your whole life. My question is what happens to those moments you were happy in, I mean people change all the time and maybe you are done talking to someone since a while, maybe you just stopped talking to each other without reason. How come? You had previously a happy moment with them; how it can end up this way, you were happy one day with that person, you had the best time with that person, you were laughing till you stomach hurts. My point is you have a collection of happy moments during your life; but at certain moment it vanishes. When you sit alone you think about that moment, that person you were happy with, and rethink about the whole situation; you may smile just because it was a happy moment that you were happy at back then. You will never realize that you are making memories, all you care about back then that you were just having fun and a good time.

You may have a good life with a good collection of happy moments, and you may have a bad life with happy moments that can make you alive through your bad life. In conclusion; stick to those happy moments keep holding them and never let them go. Your happy moments are now your fictional comrade, because your true one has already gone.

 

The Intruder Of her Life

 

 

Back then to a famous series, she used to watch there was a sentence said by an actress; who have fallen in-love with an intruder; she said back then; “when I first, started working here as a doctor, first thing they have taught us is: “Don’t fall in-love with an intruder”.  Ps: that actress’s role was a prison physician.  She never felt, she would relate somehow what had happened with her, to a small sample she saw earlier in one of her favorite series-es.

Throughout the days, she realized that she might have something in common with that actress in the show, she has fallen in-love with an intruder; but this intruder wasn’t fictional as the one in the series, it was a REAL one. Let’s name it the intruder of her life, the one she never thought he would come up like this, at first she didn’t realize how malicious and deceitful he is. But actually each day, he proves that he is not only malicious or deceitful he is also a thief,  a one who stole almost everything. He stole her time, her life, her friends and everything; yet she is standing on her own feet, visualizing all he had done to her but with a stronger soul not a weak one. She thought at the beginning she might get weak, but people around her told her you will move on faster than you can ever imagine, at first she didn’t believe it but actually she did throughout the time.

Actually that intruder was the reason of her  being strong, he helped her to be stronger not weak, he thought she will be weak but actually by all the things he have done and even still doing, he is helped her to be more stronger without knowing.  They say; “as you sow, so shall you reap”, if you did good things you will get good things, if you did bad things you will get bad things. So that intruder will get what he did in the past whether good or bad. All that matters, that she will be watching him, she will be watching the intruder of her life, taking what he deserves. She will be watching now another one of those favorite series-es, whom she enjoys watching; but you know what? That series will be different. It will be the series of the intruder of her life. In another words, what goes around comes around, everything a person should know that; whatever you do it will always come back, it doesn’t matter when because it will come anyways. So be careful from everything, be careful before doing anything without thinking what may occur. Don’t’ give promises you won’t make, don’t say words you don’t mean, don’t make fun of someone, don’t hurt someone on purpose, don’t undergo something you can’t handle it from the beginning, please people for God’s mercy don’t enter someone’s life without planning what’s next. Don’t hurt each other, be kind be merciful. You never know what might happen in the future, the good will be bad, the bad will be good and the kind will be evil and the evil will be kind.

Life is like allocation, you will get the quota whether bad or good you will get it anyway. Don’t be the intruder of someone’s life. And don’t fall in-love with an intruder.

Train Station

Many people entered her life, some stay others leave. Each one enters her life leaves a place, a memory or a scar. Her life turned to be like a train station, where passengers can get in and out at any time. Just when they reach their requested destination, the train stops and they get out. Through their trip, some don’t stay long as they need to go somewhere else; because simply they haven’t reach their right destination. They have chosen her life; as if they have chosen a place where they can play, destroy, ruin or exploit it as a territory. But it is not a place or destination it’s a life of a human being, who has feelings, fears, questions; a doubtful person who knows nothing about their intentions.

How can people choose a place randomly, out of no where; just crossed their minds to give it a try and stop the train, and let the fun begins. Seriously?  Is it that easy, to enter a life and leave it whenever you want, just because you are done? A human being’s life is not a destination, it is not a place or a rail way where you can regularly stop.

She won’t let anyone else use her or exploit her just to reach their destination, she will no longer hospital who will ever choose her stop, she will start filtering people. Choosing her destination  is not a choice anymore, it’s a request whether you will wait for acceptance or simply you will get an ignorance to your request.

Sometimes, women reach their peak of being “fed up”, and when that time comes; no one can stop them. That’s actually what happened to her, its her time to be fed up, of all the shit that she has gone through, various number of  shitty people who have entered her life lately. She has turned into an unstoppable and uncontrollable train where nothing can stop it, because the brakes are already broken. This train can be named  as an angry train, it will crash anything in front of it because, it has lost control and it has reached its peak.She might pretend that she has it all together, and everything is under control; but it is not. She has already lost control, and the train just started its tour.

Congratulations!

Her life has already turned into a train wreck.

The Green Book Part two

Part Two

April 19th. 2015

10:55 PM

My name is Melike. I’m 23 years old. Green is my favorite color and purple comes second. I studied English literature because of my love for the English language and novels. I guess that’s enough for now.

I don’t know why I’m writing this but, it might be the only way I can visualize my life through some lines. Maybe, someday my story will make a difference in someone’s life and maybe not. I love writing at midnight. something calls me to write the echoed voices inside my head, words, feelings, anger, happiness, mixed feelings; the more they increase the more they keep me awake.

I don’t write daily but, I write when I feel like I want to capture a word or a sentence i don’t want to miss or forget it. I want to type it and look at it and keep re-reading it and falling for the words, trying to write with all my senses using all the skills i have. I believe that words are like diamonds, the more you take care of them and shape them the way you want, the more they will be beautiful and valuable. But each diamond has a sharp angle that you need to be careful and precise when you touch. You might get yourself hurt if you aren’t cautious.

Words are the same they can either touch your heart or break your heart. If words came put, there is no way to take them back. What comes out never comes back.

Well at least I believe in that………

Its spring time is my favorite season. After winter, the weather is still unstable; hence you can call it a beautiful weather. As I mentioned previously, I’m in my twenties a young lady, my parents still sees me as a baby girl with a diaper. Those twenty three years aren’t counted as twenty three. They tally up differently for me. I have lived a life that is similar to that of fifty years old lady, a life full of many memories good and painful ones, many experiences, and salvation.

A twenty three year old lady from the outside, a fifty year old lady from the inside, they say your age doesn’t matter. You can be seventy and feel like you are still in your thirties and that’s what keeps you alive; to feel young forever. What if you feel old? Very old.

At the age of sixteen I fell in love for the first time and it wasn’t a quite good relationship. We were so young but, it was good to feel loved by someone. That feeling you get for the first time as a teenager, you don’t know what it is. There is no accurate decription of what you feel but you feel happy and you are constantly smiling. I love to spend time with that person; experiencing new feelings that make you feel flying for the first time. However, that relationship didn’t count, as I said we were so young we just wanted to experience new things.

When someone enters your life, not willing to stay for long and leaves, his absence doesn’t hurt you. What hurts you most is the time he stole from you. The time he stole from your life.

She stopped reading her heart was pumping so fast, her breathe is getting weak. She bookmarked the page and left the book a side shivered about how Melike and she are just the same. She can feel every word written down there in that mysterious book as if it’s her own storytelling not Melike’s. She went to sleep; that night thoughts never left her she felt for the first time that she is naked. As if she had opened up to someone, words found its way out like a running water no power can stop it from coming out. She was afraid to continue reading Melike’s green book or diary or whatever it’s called. She was afraid from exploring her own self.

To be continued………….

The Green Book

Part one

April 10^th. 2015
10:42 AM

Birds tweeting outside her bedroom its 6:00 o’clock in the morning, the alarm rang. She raised her hand to turn it off, and spontaneously reached for her phone to check if she had gotten any messages from him.

Disappointed as usual, she got nothing. She turned off her cell and went to take her morning shower before going to work. She took off her pajamas and got into the shower. After finishing fifteen minutes later, she put on some random clothes, wore her comfortable sneakers and tied her hair in a pony tail. Her day at work continues as normal, a routine, nothing new. She is counting down the hours, minutes until she can finally go back home. The clock strikes 16:00 pm and she leaves the office, stopping at her favorite bookstore before going home to check if there are any new interesting books.

At the bookstore;

“Good evening Madame, it’s your lucky day! Newly arrived books came in today. They are in the back. We didn’t put them on the shelves yet.” said the seller.

“Oh that’s really nice! I was hoping that I could find some new books. Would it be okay if I checked them out?” she replied.

For sure, come this way please. The seller led her to the storage room in the back of the bookstore.

“Here they are! If you need any help, just call me over. I will be at the register.”

“Thank you.” She replied.

She flipped through the first pages of each book, skimming the lines of each chapter but nothing seemed interesting. She puts the books back and turns towards the exit door. At that moment something caught her eye; a green book. It was under the table and seemed to have been dropped by mistake and had gone unnoticed. She bends over to pick it up. It looks like agenda rather than a normal book. The title of the book was written in a strange kind of ink; “The Green Book”.

She wondered what kind of book it was, as she took it in her hands and headed to the seller.

“Excuse me.” She said.

“Yes Madame, Did you find anything interesting in there?” the seller asked.

“Actually yes! I’m wondering who the author of this book is?”

“Can I see it please?” the seller paused for a moment, actually I don’t know. Nothing is written on the cover except for the title! Let me check on the computer.

After searching for a while the seller told her, he couldn’t even find the book in the new arrivals page and it had never been registered into the system.

“Someone probably left it behind, by mistake.” She said.

“Probably yes, But you can borrow it if you want.”

“Okay, I would like that! If someone calls and asks about it, just give them my number.” She said.

“Sure.”

“Thank you so much.” She said as she was leaving.

She arrived home and ate her dinner while watching TV for a while. It was 19:30 pm and he still didn’t call or text her.

Suddenly, her phone started to ring; she eagerly picks up the phone.

“Hello?”

There was no reply.

“Hello? Is anybody there?” she asked again and again.

Nothing. The caller had hung up. She wondered if the caller was him.

She left the phone headed to the kitchen to get something to drink. While heading to the kitchen, her eyes fell on that green book she borrowed at the bookstore earlier that day. She carried the juice; she got from the fridge in one hand and in the other she carried the green book.

Putting the juice on the table beside her, she prepared herself to read. She looks at the book and says; you better be interesting! And she begins to read…

They say one day someone will come and change your whole life. What if it wasn’t someone? What if it was a green book?!

To Be continued……..

The Reason Is Him

The reason behind my smile, the reason behind my passion, the reason behind my power and insistence. The reason is him. The thing is you can’t name it, the thing between us or the bond we have, can’t be described by words, you only feel it. All what I know is, that I want him in my life I love the feeling of, having him around. I don’t ask for more. It’s enough to have him. It’s enough for me to know, that he is there no matter what.
I love how he acts sometimes, as if he is a novice. Surprised by his reaction, whether a smile or a laugh. Even when he blushes! He is cute, he is irreplaceable, unique & adorable. I guess he is one in a million.
He makes everything desirable, in a way you can’t reject. He makes you experience everything with pleasure, even if it’s forbidden, yet you want to undergo. With his existence, everything is much more fun.
I guess in the life you live, all you want is; someone to go crazy with, cry with, fight with, experience everything with. Even if it won’t last, live it and re-live it as much as you can. Don’t surrender, fight for what you have till you get all what you deserve.

And guess what? The reason behind that is HIM 🙂

Messy Thoughts